The First Rite of Passage


When does one stop helping small children get dressed or tie their shoes?  When are they responsible for setting the dishes and cutlery before meals?  When is it dignified to refuse to carry them?


Allow me to introduce the Age of Responsibility.  It’s a real barn-stormer, and it felt like a big deal at the time even if, when you’re preparing for a 500-mile hike, it seems comparatively incidental.   


For our kids, it accompanied their 7th birthday, and was the most natural next step from the original idea.  Each child’s was a little different, with a few consistent themes.

The basic rules for the Rite included whatever bits of (mis)behavior they clung to at the time, and should have stopped by the age of six, but hadn’t.   We also added a few chores around the house that, however capable they were, they could handle.  And thirdly, we added in a couple of new 'house rules' that were important to us, like our approach to quitting.

Their mother and I both lament being allowed to quit certain things as children, so our rule is thus: if they start something, like ballet or rugby or music, let's use piano lessons as the example, they take lessons for an initial set and agreed period, something like 6 months.  Afterward, they don’t take piano lessons for a while.  We then ask them if they’d like to take lessons again.  They choose.  If they say yes, they take the lessons for an agreed period again, and are not allowed to quit during that period. 

Our theory is that this would help not only boost a belief they are not quitters, but also reduce the tedium that a seemingly endless stream of anything can foster.  They were able to try lots of hobbies (the only exception was swimming - they had to learn to swim), and work out which ones they truly loved, whilst retaining a resilient attitude.   It seems to have worked very well for our three kids.

Of course, every parent would have different priorities.  I don’t think the specific examples I’ve mentioned above matter as much as creating the Rite of Passage itself.

The best part is what we promised them in exchange for overcoming this Rite of Passage, for doing all these new chores and other behavior.  Nothing!  If I may immodestly share our description of it to them, which we repeated many, many times:

“You are going to love the Age of Responsibility.  You get to do X, Y and Z (all chores).  It’s the start of growing up, the first step to becoming an adult!  And you know what you get back – nothing!  It’s just like life!!

“You know what we get when an adult gets with a new job?  Lots of work!  You know what an adult gets with a new house?  More work!   A big lesson of life is, the older you get, the more responsibility you get, and the more responsibility you get the more work you get.”  Woo Hoo!!!

Yes, we spelled it out with enthusiastic, possibly sadistic, bluntness.  The best part is they realize it’s not a great deal, and that confuses them.  Freya once asked, “I gotta do all that... do I even get a single ice cream?” and for my fellow parents out there, steeped in the thick habit of negotiating with their children, I can report the answer was a jocular “Nooo!!”  

Frankly, I don't know why it seemed to work.  Perhaps they like the honesty of it.   You could see in their eyes a certain fascination that life isn't easy for the adults, either.  I think a big part is just their age.  Young children seem to inherently trust their parents, and if some things aren't easy or fair, so be it.

Any good Rite of Passage needs to culminate in a ritual.  We wanted to choose one that seemed both easy and hard – they’re only turning seven after all!  So we asked them to say a toast at their seventh birthday party.  Just thank everyone for coming and ask them to have a good time.

That seemed to work pretty well, although our youngest got very nervous indeed.

Now, back to planning this hike.  I want to give a special shout-out to my dad, who has been doing lots of amazing research recently.  More on that later.